A lot of sh*t has run out...

We may be running short on toilet paper and hand disinfectant, but the one thing the world is definitely not in short supply of currently is fear.

And whilst a small handful of the population gets to kick back, do online yoga, walk their palatial grounds, get gourmet meal deliveries and not worry about anything because, well if we are being honest, someone else is  probably paid to do that for them, just about everyone else is in fear of something:

• The fear of falling ill
• The fear of losing a family member
• The fear of death
• The fear of job security 
• The fear of job loss
• The fear of losing precious savings 
• The fear of stock markets not recovering
• The fear of losing ones retirement
• The fear of being stuck indoors with certain individuals, possibly abusers
• The fear of being alone 
• The fear of being forgotten
• The fear of physical security.

The list is likely endless. Fear brings out the best and the worst in us. Always.

There are those ready to fight to the death over the last 16-roll packet of 3 ply toilet paper to add to their 124 packet stockpile...then there are those donating (now cancelled) wedding food to hospitals to feed medical workers.

Fear divides and fear brings us together. Fear destroys and fear conquers. Fear is unimaginably selfish and kind beyond reason. 

Fear always has and always will exist, and what we do with that fear has only ever been our individual choice.

Some panic, some hide, some preach, some seek it out, some run from it, some ignore it, some stare it down, some try to smother it with love.

One thing that is for certain though, is that in months to come, when all this over - we will all look in the mirror and have to face what fear turned us into. Lets hope it can be a person we can be proud of, not embarrassed by.

*Side note:

• Thank you to the beautiful souls, whether friends or family, checking up on me regularly knowing that I am alone. Your kindness means the world to me.
• Aviation family (from pilots to ground crews & everyone in-between) - times are so damn tough right now. So many people are either losing jobs, or on the other side of the world to their families, or flying cargo routes & keeping the world fed and supplied with medical equipment...may we all support each other that little bit extra during these times.

What I wish I had said....

I haven't written in ages, but today a topic came up, one of many that comes up on a regular basis if you are married to a pilot (or to anyone who travels regularly no doubt).

I've spent much of the last twelve odd years addressing questions and topics with as much patience and politeness as I can muster, however I will admit on some days it can become a little tiresome.

So here are the top 5 questions/comments, my RA (Real Answer) and my WA (what I wish I had said answer). If in 2019 I start to mix up the two in conversation ~ I (sort of) apologise:

• He's gone 1/2/3 months? Really? Wow. Actually - that's not really that long at all, that's ok.
  

RA: No, it's not too bad, it can be difficult though you know.
WA: Ironic you saying that considering the last time your husband/wife/child was away for a week you acted as though they'd left for 50yrs, may not recognize you upon their return & couldn't see anyone for a week when they first got back due to needing 'quality time' alone with them.

• You married a pilot - wow, they all make LOADS of money!

RA: Yes, there are some great paying jobs, there are some pretty badly paying ones in less than ideal locations and conditions too. It's not all roses.

WA: They do, in fact a pilots license is a solid gold bar that they have to carry around with them at all times. We live the way we do because we don't want to show off.

• We haven't seen you guys in ages
  

RA: Well my husband only gets 14 days off, 3 of which hes traveling, 2 of which he's jet-lagged. Which only gives us 9 days together & there's usually a lot to get done.
WA: I'm sorry, in the future I'll make sure to schedule all our family time (ask them how much this is too), quality time and getting important things done after seeing you first. Also – see question ones WA.

• So you get free flights and travel first class everywhere right? OMG you are SO lucky!

RA: Some airlines provide tickets, some provide free upgrades, some do both, some do neither. It's most definitely not guaranteed and almost impossible in peak travel seasons anyway.

WA: Airlines actually have a few planes on permanent standby for crew family members who want to fly anywhere they wish with no notice. These flights provide first class service only. It's a secret though, don't tell anyone

• So does your husband work for Emirates?

RA: No, he actually works for “????”

WA: He does, but they call themselves “???” in other countries. There are actually no other airlines in the world apart from Emirates. They own every aircraft on the planet, ALL of them...but shhh, it's another secret.

Fighting to stay and fighting to go

Moving countries is a funny thing - and quite often it starts with tears and ends with tears.

Humans are strange creatures, we fight to hold on whilst at the same time fighting to let go. We want to stay in one place and yet we wish to explore a million new lands, we yearn for our creature comforts and long for the unknown and strange.

When moving to a new country it may often not be a destination one would have chosen given a choice...but somehow - adversity breeds adaptability, and before you know it - that strange new place is 'home'.
 A language that once sounded strange is now one you speak with enthusiasm (albeit with an awful accent), those cultural oddities that annoyed you previously have now become endearing, and some of those foods you refused to try at first - are now part of your staple diet. You learn to live without things that you once considered vital and you adapt to cooking new dishes with different ingredients.

Along with the little achievements, and personal growth however, often comes incredible feelings of anxiety, sadness and sometimes, anger. Friends will be lost, family will be far spread, pets will not always accompany, sentimental items broken that cannot be replaced....it is inevitable and gut wrenching....it will ease with time, but with every move the feelings will resurface.

Fitting into new social circles takes time and living 'between two or more worlds' can be both exhausting and confusing. There are moments of excitement and moments of doubt, appreciation of the new people you meet and loneliness from being so far flung from many one holds close to the heart. These times will challenge you and they will grow you in ways you never knew possible. They will draw you closer to some people, and distance you from others.

Moving abroad has the potential to make or break a person - it can be an incredible adventure or a living hell. Whilst there is some truth to this being dependent on where one moves to - I think a lot is to be said of ones attitude in a new country. To start an entirely new life is a magical gift that often comes with a heavy price - so make the gift count.

Don't go on to try replicate your exact life somewhere else - whilst the 'typical expat life' is portrayed as rather glamorous - I guarantee you the adventure and surprise of your life if you put a little of that energy into 'going local'....There is wisdom, kindness and generosity to be found in some of the dustiest corners of our earth, if we are only prepared to step out of our comfort zone and try the unknown.

Child of No Land

Home...for a large number of people 'home' is a place. Its the house they grew up'in, or the dream house they purchased, or the little apartment they spent hours working towards putting a deposit down on.

Often 'home' includes a partner, maybe a couple of kids and a family pet. It is near to family and loved ones. It is a physical place one feels safe and secure, where one is familiar with all ones surroundings.

I've come to realize that for some of us, the above is not the case....and for many, especially the ones living the 'married with two kids, a dog, a picket fence and grandparents down the road',  this is difficult to understand.

Recently I commented to someone how I felt I was a 'child of no land' - reflecting on this statement the last few days I believe its probably one of 'the most accurate self descriptions I have ever made.

I come from a land where I was born to parents who each came from countries pretty far away,  I then married a man from yet another 'far away' country. I am influenced by African, European and Balkan culture. I love (& hate) things about all these places. I feel drawn to be protective towards all of them, yet feel firmly tied to none.

When I left my birth country for the Balkans many remarked how difficult the transition would be, some guessing that soon enough I'd be on the first plane 'home'. Once you move once, you'll never want to do it again' many remarked. That day and those feelings have never come...

You see, as I welcomed my pets off the aircraft from their long journey, and we returned to an almost empty house I realized something....my 'home' is mobile - send my husband, my pets and I to pretty much any place in the world and we'll be just fine, in fact - we will likely be pretty happy. See I'm a child of no land and my home cannot be found in a map, for it lies within me and I carry it with me wherever I go.

A hazy year

My husband has been home for 6 weeks, and in 2.5 weeks he will be leaving again, c'est la vie. After a year of being away from home, the 6 weeks he has been home for have gone by at whirlwind speed. We have been so busy that it has taken me a little while to realize just how much we were dealing with this time last year when trying to do all we needed to on opposite sides of the world...both expats in the countries we were living in...tasks like banking or renewing insurance are not always as simple as you would think.

Looking back on spending our first year of marriage on opposite sides of the world it seems a haze...probably because it was.

Trying to decide on re-homing or possibly euthanizing animals, packing up a house in a country you only relocated to a year before, moving across the world where it would take 3 days of travel to see family should any emergency occur.....its a decision that is particularly personal.

For the non-animal lovers its a simple 'why wouldn't you?!', on the swing side are the animal lovers who will say 'how could you even think of that – I would leave my husband before putting an animal to sleep!!!'.

For the people trying to escape their reality come the 'OMG Fiji – who wouldnt want to move Fiji!?'. For the people who are heavily rooted where they live comes 'Wow, I don't know that I could move so far away from my friends and family like that'.

Then come the work related comments 'well why cant he just get a job in Europe?' or 'surely that's not your only option' or better still 'why doesn't your husband just stop being a pilot and do something else?'.

Personal decisions are just that – personal...and so I found myself in a haze – locked in my own little bubble of trying to figure things out. I socialized little, took my dogs for long walks, and spent hours on Skype to my husband trying to figure out what the right answer was.

There were days of tears, days of hope, days of desperation – every option seemed to lead to a path of heartache. Days turned into weeks, then months – all a blur.

Looking back I realize that I learnt a lot in those 12 months, about myself, my marriage, my friendships – and in some strange way it was possibly one of the most intensely difficult and yet rewarding times of my life. When you know how much adversity you can face with any person, partner, friend, or family – there is enormous solace and gratitude to be found in that.

Everyone faces challenges, some are big, some are small, some are daily, and some are once in a lifetime. And when the battle is over and so much has changed, so much of ourselves has changed (some good, some bad) – that we cannot go back to what we were before....that's ok, because we are all just trying to survive this glorious, messy, beautiful thing called 'life'.